1 am peace
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i’m at peace. that’s all.
it’s 1:08 am, i’m playing through alina baraz’s discography, sipping black coffee, and i am content. i have to be up in 5 hours to buy breakfast for lab meeting tomorrow, and i have a few questions left on my biotransport homework set, but i’m at peace; i’m at peace with the world and in my soul, where it matters most.
there’s a calming quietness about 1 am. it’s that magical hour where most have happily drifted off into dreamland, and a few sleepless wandering minds find themselves surfing the net or dabbling in hobbies, not different from myself.
lately i’ve been lost in my thoughts. thoughts about life at large, my future. thinking about the future makes me anxious though. so when i catch my mind drifting, i reign it back in to the present. yoga has helped me with that, with mindful living. when fear of the future and uncertainties about life creep in, i remind myself to feel. i try to feel the ground beneath my feet, the wind against my skin, and the pulse of my blood flowing through my veins. these tangible and momentary feelings bring me back to the present, shielding me from unwelcome anxiety. i try to imagine my life before yoga, meditation, and mindful practices. i was probably a lot more anxious, albeit more imaginative for allowing my mind to flow more freely into crevices of creativity. but i’m glad i am where i am now. i’m glad i met corbin; he made me feel something i’ve never felt before. and in my self-procured post-corbin brokenheartedness, i found a refuge and a forever home @ breathe. for shelley, sharon, gabi, carolina, barbara — i will always be grateful. wow that’s crazy. imagine i never met corbin and never experienced this heartache? my life would’ve looked so different.
speaking of corbin, this man has taught me so much about dating — about confidence, communication, cadence and rhythm… to this day, i’ve never felt so magnetized to a man. there’s a certain air about him and around him; simply being around him releases dopamine and serotonin. it’s strange. it feels like it’s been eons since i’ve seen him, but it was only 2 years ago. i was 24 and he was 28. a taurus and a sagittarius. a biomedical engineer and a math/cs wiz. a baby chef and a talented cook. leek and mushroom soup. cheap wine. a blooming novice in the world of dating, and a professional romancer. 2 pairs of brown eyes, one darker than the other, but just as intense. sharing a cup of coffee. a raspberry chocolate tart. german last names and italian post-docs. pistachio ice cream. trader joe’s ice cream sandwiches. soft hands, short nails, the kind that pianists need to maintain. one former pianist, one current. an old leather couch. movie nights. marathon dates, not seeing the time fly by. wanting time to stop. “I’ll see you again.” i know it sounds like i’m still infatuated with him, but i promise i’m not. it’s merely a strong imprint that he’s left on my life. i remember dreaming of a future with him, just two weeks after meeting him. asking for my shirt back just to see him again. beaming with excitement when he asked me to hang out. secretly hoping i’d run in to him on the streets of boston. breaking my own heart. maybe i’ll write a book — a rendition of to all the boys, but my own take on fleeting romances.
-HJS
